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College Admission thru
Graduation in Ten Minutes |
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| Thanks for
completing that process |
We've got a lot |
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| by entering your name. |
of important
stuff to go over |
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| You really didn't
need to enter your name though. |
but we're never
gonna get anywhere until you |
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| Yeah, we know the
old joke about being a number. |
| But here you really
are a f**king number. |
| By the way, yours is |
| 88128813 |
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| Now, don't let it bother you
that you're "number not name". |
| In our book, 88218831, you're still
special. We mean it-- you're easy to transpose, you're difficult |
| to square root,
and it's no
stretch to say your "numero" looks like a caterpillar. |
| Besides, let's
not lose sight of what's really important, namely your quest for that degree. |
| And thanks too our efficiency,
you've already
made a lot of progress. |
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| Why in just the past
five seconds you did everything |
| necessary to become
an official college student. |
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| First, you called us
on your cell phone and begged to be admitted. |
| The conversation
went like this. |
| You said, "Is
this the college? If it is, I want to sign up." |
| We said, "Ok. That's fine.
Please send us all your
vitals together with an essay." |
| You said, "You require an
essay?" |
| We said "Yes. Three hundred
words on a topic of our choice." |
| You said "What topic?" |
| We said "Well, let's
see. Tell us about your favorite place to have a picnic |
| and skillfully
segue to some fond memories of your first puppy." |
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| So then you sent us all your vitals and your essay. |
| Actually, you didn't
follow instructions. You sent three essays. |
| None of them had anything to do
with the topic and each was sarcastic and, frankly, rather disrespectful. |
| As if that weren't
bad enough, your submissions
were obviously plagiarized. |
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| You also attached this note: |
| "This is not the same question my brother
had two years ago, |
| but if I have to write three essays, I guess
I have to write three essays." |
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| If you felt confused, imagine
how we felt. |
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| At any rate,
your essays were pretty damn good, and based on them |
| along with your high school
record, your SAT scores and the resiliency of your self-esteem, |
| we decided to accept you. |
| So congratulations, 88131288, you're
now officially a student at Kno and Go University (our online college). |
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| That wraps up what's happened so
far. |
| If you'd like to review
your admission package in detail, you can access it in
the database by clicking here. |
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| To move on to your
actual studies with
real books and real teachers click here. |
| Remember there is absolutely
no cost to you for your education. |
| That's due to the generous support
of the Duntlinger Foundation! |
| Also, remember your studies will occur
very quickly. |
| They'll zoom by-- much like a caterpillar
glued to a homerun.. |
| Finally, remember you're having
a nightmare, not tomato soup. So please stop the slurping. |
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