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College Admission thru Graduation in Ten Minutes

Thanks for completing that process

We've got a lot

by entering your name.

of important stuff to go over

You really didn't need to enter your name though.

but we're never gonna get anywhere until you

You see, to speed things up around here we like to use numbers, not names. 

wipe the sleep out of your eyes

Yeah, we know the old joke about being a number.
But here you really are a f**king number.
By the way, yours is
88128813
Now, don't let it bother you that you're "number not name".
In our book, 88218831, you're still special.  We mean it-- you're easy to transpose, you're difficult
to square root, and it's no stretch to say your "numero" looks like a caterpillar.
Besides, let's not lose sight of what's really important, namely your quest for that degree.
And thanks too our efficiency, you've already made a lot of progress.
Why in just the past five seconds you did everything
necessary to become an official college student.
First, you called us on your cell phone and begged to be admitted.
The conversation went like this.
You said, "Is this the college?  If it is, I want to sign up."
We said, "Ok. That's fine. Please send us all your vitals together with an essay."
You said, "You require an essay?"
We said "Yes. Three hundred words on a topic of our choice."
You said "What topic?"
We said "Well, let's see. Tell us about your favorite place to have a picnic
and skillfully segue to some fond memories of your first puppy."
So then you sent us all your vitals and your essay.
Actually, you didn't follow instructions. You sent three essays.
None of them had anything to do with the topic and each was sarcastic and, frankly, rather disrespectful.
As if that weren't bad enough, your submissions were obviously plagiarized.
You also attached this note:
"This is not the same question my brother had two years ago,
but if I have to write three essays, I guess I have to write three essays."
If you felt confused, imagine how we felt.
At any rate, your essays were pretty damn good, and based on them
along with your high school record, your SAT scores and the resiliency of your self-esteem, 
we decided to accept you.
So congratulations, 88131288, you're now officially a student at Kno and Go University (our online college).
That wraps up what's happened so far.
If you'd like to review your admission package in detail, you can access it in the database by clicking here.

To move on to your actual studies with real books and real teachers click here.
Remember there is absolutely no cost to you for your education.
That's due to the generous support of the Duntlinger Foundation!
Also, remember your studies will occur very quickly.
They'll zoom by-- much like a caterpillar glued to a homerun..
Finally, remember you're having a nightmare, not tomato soup.  So please stop the slurping.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Reality Check    Concerned about wiping your eyes because your hands are pretty dirty?  Try here